Parental Alienation – An Epidemic Overlooked by the New Child Law?
– I foreldrefiendtliggjøring utsettes barnet for indirekte vold med traumer og omsorgssvikt som resultat. Lill Stella Høslom.
Lill Stella Høslom, conversation therapist
– We must address the elephant in the room and establish a child law that takes contact avoidance seriously. Conversation therapist Lill Stella Høslom calls for increased expertise on relationship-damaging favouritism and alienation in cases of relationship breakdown.
Forslag til ny barnelov har nylig vært på høring, og er nå til behandling. Intensjonen med en ny barnelov er å få til likestilt foreldreskap, felles omsorg for barn etter samlivsbrudd, motvirke samværshindring og så langt mulig samarbeide om å ivareta helsen, livskvaliteten og utviklingen til barnet.
A proposal for a new child law has recently undergone consultation and is now under review. The intention behind the new child law is to achieve equal parenthood, joint custody of children after relationship breakdown, to counteract barriers to contact, and to collaborate as much as possible to safeguard the child's health, quality of life, and development.
Parental alienation is not mentioned at all in the new consultation proposal. If we do not take parental alienation into account, we will never be able to help vulnerable children and parents adequately. We cannot continue with ineffective preventive measures in parental conflicts; we must establish adequate support measures in addition to regulation through legislation.
Ongoing Epidemic of Contact Avoidance
The international group for the study of parental alienation, PASG (Parental Alienation Study Group), held its three-day conference at Deichman in Oslo in September 2024. Over 230 participants from 23 countries were represented, with 43 speakers sharing their research findings and studies. A common observation made by many is the ongoing epidemic of contact avoidance between children and parents.
The title of the conference was "Promoting the Best Interests of the Child," where the main message was to take seriously the threat that parental alienation represents to children's interests, health, and well-being. The risk of losing parental contact is poorly recognised and inadequately managed in many countries, including Norway. The conference aimed to highlight international efforts to improve legislation, child welfare services, family support services, and public awareness to promote children’s right to maintain a good relationship with both parents, even after divorce.
A debate is currently taking place within the psychological community regarding the closely related concept of parental estrangement. The Norwegian Psychological Association points out that this term is highly contentious and lacks empirical research backing, which leads them not to recognise the professional quality of the conference.
Eivind Meland, chairman of PASG Norway, believes that opponents of the concept are engaging in a form of academic reputation-damaging concerning a public health issue, which fails to promote professional quality at the very least. As Meland himself notes, the Norwegian Psychological Association, through its campaign, confirms that estrangement and alienation are indeed real societal problems.
Children as Pawns in Parental Conflict
The main changes proposed in the new child law are that parents who separate will, as a general rule, hold equal authority over the child. This authority is referred to as parental power. To counteract barriers to contact, the courts will be obliged to make a temporary ruling in cases of contact obstruction if one of the parties requests it. The decision should be made within a four-week deadline if possible. A new provision will support the value of shared care from both parents, requiring parents, as much as possible, to collaborate on safeguarding the child's health, quality of life, and development.
The vast majority of parents intend to pursue equal parenting. Some, however, may allow their own frustration to influence the relationship between the child and the other parent. Yet, with a conscious approach and a shared understanding among parents that such bias is harmful to the child, parents can moderate their behaviour, thereby reducing the damage in the relational dynamic. I believe this unintended polarisation aligns with the concept of parental estrangement.
It is in the cases where this does not happen that it escalates into alienation. In parental alienation, the child is subjected to indirect violence, resulting in trauma and neglect. In my genuine belief in the intrinsic goodness of people, I experience a dissonance. I see that the child becomes the "pawn" through which the perpetrator can continue the violence.
Examples of Parenting Alienation
Examples of how to subject a child to parental alienation include favouritism, sabotage, manipulation, brainwashing, role diffusion, destructive parentification, enmeshment, and creating fictitious fear and loyalty conflicts within the child.
I regard these as deliberate actions taken by adults against children. The complexity lies in the fact that children subjected to alienation exhibit the same symptoms and reaction patterns as those subjected to physical violence. Symptoms include anxiety, exhaustion, cognitive challenges, and psychosomatic issues. Damaged bonds in close relationships from an early age can have far-reaching consequences for later life, including radicalisation, substance abuse, and violent crime.
Should Be Addressed in the Law
The Minister of Children and Families, Kjersti Toppe, recognises the importance of reaching a prompt decision regarding contact arrangements to avoid a permanent break between parent and child. It is noted that prolonged contact avoidance can lead to difficulties in interaction between children and parents. Indirectly, the minister acknowledges the seriousness of parental alienation, the psychological burden it represents, and the necessity for action. Therefore, she should also address the issue within the law, allowing for the necessary procedural practices to implement adequate support measures.
Typically, the child has observed parental alienation long before the divorce is a fact, often experiencing it as physical and/or psychological violence against the parent. For children and vulnerable parents, this results in a reduced tolerance window and stress responses of "fight" and "flight." This necessitates a different approach than the four-week deadlines in the courts.
Children may confidently assert that it is their own opinion to distance themselves from their parents, denying or resisting contact. I see that entities such as schools, child welfare services, health services, family support services, and legal protections linked to parental conflicts may contribute to perpetuating the violence when they uncritically accept the child’s clear voice, which, in cases of parental alienation, results from a manipulated perception of reality.
Need for Competent Assistance
Without expertise in parental alienation, the result is that these cases often exhibit follow-on errors and deficiencies. Conclusions are drawn without sufficient factual basis or without any basis at all (mere speculation). Consequently, cases involving contact avoidance are neither handled scientifically nor with due consideration for health.
With a better approach, children will be able to maintain a sufficiently good relationship with both their mother and father. It is therefore crucial that we establish legislation and authority capable of professionally and competently addressing these cases.
“Cases involving contact avoidance are neither handled scientifically nor with due consideration for health.”
Let us look to Ireland and Denmark, where the primary focus is on the child. In Ireland, children receive help to develop critical thinking and balance. They are strengthened in avoiding manipulation, assisted in focusing on problem-solving, and supported in developing communication skills. Children are helped to be children, and they receive assistance in working through difficult emotions.
In Denmark, an agreement has been established between the government and various political parties to uncover these issues and develop guidelines. This is done in collaboration with child-specific psychologists who possess the necessary expertise. The goal is to balance the complexity, increase the professional basis for identifying psychological violence, and assist in preventing the child from losing contact with one parent.
Consequently, I see several studies and research reports on the impact of parental alienation on children and parents, including a study from the University of West London that describes increased symptoms of PTSD in children subjected to parental alienation.
We must adopt a sober approach to the new child law that takes contact avoidance seriously. We must address the elephant in the room – parental alienation – and implement adequate support measures, as has been done in Denmark and Ireland.
Lill Stella works as a conversation therapist and yoga instructor in her premises in Lesja and online. She takes a holistic approach to individuals and is concerned with how our natural instincts, feelings, and patterns of behaviour become disrupted over time when we are subjected to psychological violence. Lill Stella has particularly focused on how narcissism and psychopathy can serve as indicators in relationships where violence and power abuse occur.
The article was first published in Norwegian by Mad in Norway.
https://www.madinnorway.org/2024/09/foreldrefiendtliggjoring-en-epidemi-den-nye-barneloven-overser/