Parental alienation
Summary by Eivind Meland
The Norwegian Directorate for Children, Youth and Family Affairs (Bufdir) describes parental alienation in a brochure on contact refusal from 2020. They distinguish between two dynamics that may be behind the development of parental alienation
The child attends to a parent's needs
Visitation refusal may arise or be exacerbated by the child taking too much responsibility for a parent's needs. The child may be reluctant to leave one parent because (s)he perceives that the parent cannot tolerate the child's detachment and absence. The child then sends out the wrong signals that are more about what the parent can tolerate than what the child h(er)imself needs.
In the research literature, the term role disorder (enmeshment) is used to refer to parent-child relationships that are characterized by the psychological boundaries not being sufficiently established. Role disorders between parents and children can occur if the parent has difficulty regulating their own, often unconscious, need for support and affirmation. The adult's needs take up so much space in the relationship that they displace or get in the way of the child's needs.
It's normal for children to be aware of their parents' feelings and concerned about their parents' well-being. It only becomes a role disorder if the parent has an unmet and great need for care and affirmation, which the child takes disproportionately large responsibility for safeguarding.
Some children have separation anxiety, are generally anxious and seek a lot of closeness with the parent, without this being an expression of the adult's needs. In other words, one cannot conclude that a role disorder exists solely based on observing the child's behaviour.
Role disorders can exist in families where parents live together, but breakups increase the chance of role disorders occurring or exacerbating because it is an emotionally demanding situation that increases the parent's need for support and affirmations.
It can be difficult to detect role disorders in the parent-child dyad. The parent often appears to be loving and committed to the child, and the child often functions well outwardly. Parent and child are rarely even aware of the unhealthy dynamics between them. Therefore, it can be difficult to create change once role disorders have become established.
Decisions about visitation
It may be necessary for a judge to decide when the child will go on visitation. This in itself can contribute to change as long as the visitation scheme is complied with. Change in the child can occur without the parent having resolved their underlying emotional needs. If the child is occasionally brought out of the tight dyad with one parent, (s)he may have other, important experiences in contact with the other parent.
Bearer of a parent's intransigence
What starts as a reaction of the child to the parent's breakup or conflict (alliance) can in some cases develop into a lasting rejection of a parent. The child may then have become the bearer of one parent's bitterness and one-sided negative perceptions of the other. In the research literature, this is often referred to as alienation or parental alienation.
The definition of alienation/parental hostility is that the child consistently and over time expresses strong negative feelings and perceptions (hatred, rage, fear) towards a parent, which are not consistent with the child's actual experiences with that parent. The child's perception of the rejected parent constitutes a break with the child's previous relationship with this parent, without this being sufficiently explained by the fact that he/she has acted in such a way that the child needs to protect himself/herself.
The child's rejection often arises on the basis of some negative experiences the child has with one parent but can be sustained by the child not getting help to manage their own reactions and resolve what has become difficult. The rejection can then be compounded by an unhealthy dynamic between the child and the preferred parent.
It is important to emphasize that we do not use the term alienation/parental hostility as a diagnosis of the child. It is meant as a term for a triangulated interaction between the child and the parents, from which the parents have not tried or managed to bring the child out. It is not uncommon for conflicted parents to express negative attitudes towards the other, but only a few children develop a persistent rejection of one of their parents. It is probably far more common for the opposite to happen: for the child to distance himself from the parent who is oversimplified and unreasonable in their negative attitudes towards the other parent.
When the child becomes the bearer of a parent's intransigence, this may be because the parent is characterized by immature defense mechanisms and emotional vulnerability. He/she may need a lot of confirmation from the child and may perceive it as a threat that the child has contact with and good feelings towards the other parent. This largely overlaps with what is described above about children who largely attend to a parent's needs (enmeshment). The parent may have an excessive need for protection, oversimplified perceptions, and a lack of reality testing, leading to an erroneous perception of the other as unfit as a parent.
The parent may also be characterized by thoughts of revenge, bitterness, rage, and contempt for the other parent. Sabotaging the child's relationship with the other parent may be intended to affect the other parent and may be an extension of violent and controlling behaviour in the relationship.
It is probably rare for one parent to consciously seek to influence the child to reject the other. We are often talking about more unconscious processes and immature defense mechanisms in one parent, who do not sufficiently understand or manage to regulate how it affects the child. When one parent weakens the relationship between the child and the other, it's often because they believe it's best for the child, or don't understand the consequences of their own actions.
Examples of parental behavior that can lead to rejection
Blacken the other parent by referring to him/her in an oversimplified and interpreted manner in the worst sense
Restrict or disrupt the child's contact with the other parent for no good reason
React negatively when the child expresses positive feelings and experiences with the other parent
Create the wrong impression that the other parent is violent, unstable, irresponsible, untrustworthy, not fond of the child, etc.
Confide in your child with information that creates anger and disappointment
Allow negative statements and actions towards the other parent
Do not shield the child from their own hurt and bitter feelings
Portray themselves as the only parent the child can trust
Appears in a victim role and appeals for support and sympathy